20 Positions Girls Go Insanely Crazy About

If you ever take something we say seriously, it should be this: don’t try these at home unless you have balls bigger than the moon. In fact, don’t try these in the park, in the car, or anywhere at all. These are sex positions for the maniacs and the really, really bored, and if these go wrong, you’re on an express train to pain city. And boy, can these go tremendously wrong. If you’re still tempted to give these a twirl, we can’t stop you. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you. 



High Times

Any mention of the Hollywood hard man has got to get every lady hot under the collar. Or most guys, for that matter. Which is why this little number was invented. It’s like the cowgirl, except the girl does the splits at the same time. Perfect for everyone who thinks their love life needs more action heroes.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Cowgirl

How hard is it do the splits? What about being held up while doing the splits? How about being held up while your partner goes down on you, sending wave after wave of intense pleasure? While you’re doing the splits? First one to fall over wins!

The Pole Breaker

If you’re looking for a way for your man to never forget you, look no further than The Pole Breaker. It’s an apt name, since any false move in this upright position will, in all likelihood, break his pole. The best kind of sex is when you don’t know whether they’re screams of pleasure or agony.

The MHz AKA The Megahurtz

Strictly for the extremely bored, The Megahurtz isn’t going to give much joy to anyone. That is, of course, unless the Divinyls were right and it is a fine line between pleasure and pain. If you can get into this position without calling an ambulance, you’re halfway there. But just wait till you try and build a rhythm.

The Gateway Arch

Engineers have labelled it “structurally unsound”, and doctors “irresponsible”, but The Gateway Arch, named after the piece in St. Louis, actually looks like a hell of a lot of fun. Sure, you might not get a whole lot of sexing done, but at least you can laugh at each other between your legs.

The Contorted Cowgirl

Being able to kiss during a reverse cowgirl is probably no-one’s dream. But if it’s yours, and you’ve got the flexibility to bend back 180 degrees, then you’re in luck. As an added bonus, that arching is going to work wonders on her G-spot, although probably not her osteoporosis.

The Standing Splitter

This position is at least vaguely possible, as long as you’re dating a gymnast. Go for a stand-up position and ask her very nicely to do the splits, and there you go. Once you’re in this position, though, you’ll be doing all of the work. So you might want to hit the gym for a couple of years before you attempt it.

The Orchid Of Delaware

Like an orchid in Delaware, you might never see this rare beauty in your lifetime. If you do manage it, you’re going to have be very gentle – get too excited and that blossom will never grow again. Nice, slow, thrusts. That’s the spirit. It also might help if you have a penis the shape of a boomerang.

Data Hug

Just like a stand-and-carry, except the girl also gets to look at the stars while you’re doing it. Y’know, just in case she wants to do something interesting. Not pictured here is the expert version, where the man spins the girl around on the spot a couple of times, then they both vomit.

Lemon Squeezer

This one’s kind of like a wheelbarrow, except the girl’s the other way around and her legs are higher and her back is like… ah, just look at the picture, will ya? We can’t really explain what’s happening in this one, or exactly whose lemon is being squeezed, but theoretically this would hit the G-spot like a velvet hammer of orgasms. Theoretically.

Hipster

When every other position is passé, and you’ve strip-mined everything that might have been cool in the past, it’s time to try the Hipster. Imagine doing scissored thrusts over a girl doing her best Sydney Harbour Bridge impression, and you’ve got the idea. All you have to do then drink craft brews and be ironic about everything.

Reverse Hipster

You’d think the Reverse Hipster would just be the missionary position, but that’s so old skool and lame that it’s become hipster itself. No, the Reverse Hipster is like a normal hipster, but with the man and the woman reversing roles. It’s completely impossible to do, of course – you’d never find a hipster who’d bend over backwards for you.

Hyperion

Requiring strength, poise, and a very soft space to land, the Hyperion is not necessarily for everyone. But if you can do the splits and hold yourself up for long periods of time, you can be rewarded with a guy doing you up the butt. Sounds like a win-win to us.

Three-Legged Turtle

Before you can perform the Three-Legged Turtle, you’re going to have find Michelle! Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Lame jokes aside, the Three-Legged Turtle is a lot more difficult and painful that it looks. An amateur may be able to pull off the pose, but anything further would end up in the emergency department. This is the last time we take a camera into a ballet school’s dressing room.

Praying Mantis

Not the craziest sex position, but then again not one of the easiest either. The Praying Mantis looks great, sounds creepy, and is fairly simple to get into position. But unless you’re hung like a donkey, the only thing your pork sword will be stabbing is thin air. If you are hung like a donkey, then that’s great for you. We don’t want to hear about it.

Buckled Blow Job

The Buckled Blow Job has almost everything good oral sex requires: uncomfortable contortions and a wide-open gullet. The only problem with this position is the guy’s view. He can see the lady’s lovely pink things, he could even touch them (if he let go, which is probably not a good idea), but they’re still so far out of his reach. Tantalizingly, frustratingly close.

The Heisenberg

Ever heard of the Heisenberg Uncertainty? Or know any theoretical physics? It doesn’t really matter. One look at this position and you can pretty much get the idea. It’s basically an almost unachievable state of matter, with no practical purpose, thought up by sad and lonely men who will never get to test their theory. The sex position’s pretty weird too.

Side Splitter

Not named, in fact, because it’s just so funny, the Side Splitter merely involves the girl doing some upright splits up and over the man’s shoulders. As a position, it just might work, even though it looks like a scene from Disney On Ice. As a long-term sex strategy, it’s about as sustainable as whale hunting and just as painful.

Cheerleader Cowgirl

Please note that this was not featured on Debbie Does Dallas. In fact, we don’t think it’s ever been featured anywhere, even though it’s a fairly simple twist on a regular cowgirl. It also looks like a lot of fun, which leads us to the burning question: why aren’t pornos getting this creative?

Newton’s Third Law

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That’s Newton’s Third Law, for all those who slept through high school, and it’s also the basis of this little number. You see, if she leans back, he has to lean back, and their groins get closer and closer together, until finally they’re fused together in one massively small, massively dense unit. The only way to separate then is, of course, with a big bang.